I need to focus more on staying clean. I need direction, I need something to believe in - and that could be a as a good thing to focus on as any. I need to pat myself on the back a little too, because it is a fucking hard thing to do.
For the past couple of days wanting to get high in the worst way I can remember in a very long time. Just not being ready to go another second without something. Something. Anything.Feeling an unshakeable sadness about everything the last little while - not a depression, just a sadness - a feeling that my youth is gone, my looks are gone there's nothing really to look forward to. The loss of who I am.
A dozen or so times this past week I'll just suddenly and for no apparent reason have a strong and unmistakable taste of crack in my mouth. And not just a hint of it, but a full mouthful like I'd just had a hit.This leads to a full out jonesing that is indescribable to someone who hasn't lived it and unforgettable to anyone who has.But I guess the way to look at it positively is that I didn't get any dope. And I didn't drink - and that's been a hard pull on the wheel for a week or so now as well.
I think the worst part is over.
On a totally unrelated note, I was very dissatisfied with the last two blog entries. The twitterversary one and the one before it that was so forgettable I can't even remember what it was.
They need to be fixed also the blog needs to be gone through from top to bottom with links added and/or fixed and spelling corrected and I'm thinking of going back and rewriting certain whole sections of it but I'm reluctant to do this for a few reasons not the least of which is the desire to just leave it as it stands because that was sort of the idea.
It's supposed to have a sort of spontaneity thing going for it I thought, non?
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Hey, give yourself a BIG pat on the back because you're trying. And give yourself a break from beating up on yourself (I know, that sounds funny coming from a Dominant Sadist - basically because people have the wrong idea about Me). I think you should honor the fact that you are taking steps towards staying clean and loving yourself fully and properly. I commend you.