I had to reinstall Windows again the other night for the second time in under 2 weeks. This computer has definitely been a struggle to keep up and running these last 5 or so months.
And so the next morning, after the reinstall (and coincidentally the morning after the most recent post on this very blog,) - I spent hours finding all the files and software and getting everything set up on the machine all over again, installing all the familiar and indispensable programs and assessing how much was lost - in terms of data.
Always a right pain in the ass that.
Because that's going to be the real kicker just how many files, pictures, songs, memories, ideas, have gone forever.Oh sure I'm familiar with the idea of backing up. I just don't do it as regularly as I should. When a computer crashes it's not that big a deal, and even if you need to reformat and start with a clean slate as it were, you're still aren't really in the shit unless you lose data such as your pictures and your contacts a login info, etc etc
For this reason, my eventual migration to the cloud is not just seeming sensible, but inevitable.
"Cloud" computing is one of the latest buzzwords in a tech community that loves buzzwords.the idea is that essentially you store all your data online (the "cloud") and access your work from anywhere on any machine. Your documents, pics ultimately the apps themselves aren't stored locally on some harddrive, and (for our purposes,) don't get lost when the system gets nuked.
Naturally there are people who charge money for this, but there are some free alternatives.
I'm trying out Google Docs, since it's free, and using this combined with their email, and their browser and even this blog is on their blogging site
All your base are belong to Google
The document creation features in Google Docs are getting their first test in the typing and editing this post right now because when this rusty old rickety and shaky old machine finally goes down for the count, I don't want to lose all this typing.
All the features a gal could want but without the distraction of losing everything if it crashes or of twitchy software mangling and corrupting files, or of a crowded hard drive
Nope this is my own budget version of cloud computing.
It fits really well with the new me in terms of possessions - the yogis certainly had that right. the less you have the better off you are.
I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that since I have nothing - nothing at all, it may just be the most empowering way to look at my life right now.
I think of everything I've lost over the years - all my worldly possessions - a few times over.
The first time it happened was when I got kicked out of Fred victor, and it was probably the biggest blow - maybe because it was the first time, but also maybe because that was when I still had something to lose.
And I had so much cool stuf - there were the big things like my stereo and my CD's and movies, the TV, the old desktop computer. All of it gone in an instant. I had gotten evicted and when the day finally came for the Sherrif's office to show up and remove me, I took all that I could carry oin my back. there was nothing else to do, nowhere to store the stuff, and no way to know how long it would be before I hasd somewhere else in any case even if I could have found somewhere to put it all. And so it was abandoned. As so many things have been.
I started rebuilding a collection of things again the next time I was housed - this time at the Woodgreen building near Queen and Carlaw and that was a complete and total disaster. A bottom that I hit so hard I wound up fleeing and again abandoning everything, but I got sober out of the deal I guess. Again I losot every thing - but there was less to lose, and so when it came time now, in my present, to leave the roach motel I barely gave a thought to packing what instantly sprang to mind in a gym bag and my backpack and then heading away never to return. never to burn out in that particular ring of hell.
And here comes the obvious metaphor that we've all been waiting for - My life is a bit like that my computer, in that it's became unfuctioning and now I need to reformat, and wipe everything clean to reinstall a working OS and get rid of the all the accumulated clutter.
Much like the computer too, some of the changes will be simply cosmetic, but most of them - the ones that really matter will be mostly under the hood.
Yesterday I wrote "I'm motivated to get on with it today. No more hacking about at things. I'm ready to write and to start creating all that art that I was talking about creating last year. I need to get a spring back in my step, a tiger in my tank, and a cock in my pocket"
and I did genuinely feel that way. Motivated, full of vim and vigour - inspired even.
Had my meeting with Ronia - my Employment Facilitator through the OW program and that put me in a pretty upbeat mood - she's good for that. If you can look past the inspirational aphorisms and platitudes - she's got a good energy and it's hard to be negative around her. She also made me feel - for the first time in a really long while - longer even than I can remember - that I could possibly get a job - and not just some shit job to make ends meet but something I actually enjoy.
Instead of accomplishing anything all day though, I spent it smoking massive amounts of weed all day - and that - although pleasureable - prevented me from actually getting anything worthwhile done. And I'm smoking all day for what reason? well, first there's boredom - I bore easily at the best of times and being stuck in this One Starbucks Town with no friends and no money and no sex is really pretty desolate and empty, another reason is that it was there. And whether it's weed, or crack, or prescription pain pills if it's there, I'm going to use it. But the number one reason has to be my inexplicable and overpowering jonesing for crack for going on 4 or 5 days now/. last night was especially bad. I had the taste of it in my mouth all night long and no amount of teethbrushing, smoking or eating could get rid of it. It's a horrible wretched feelimng - wanting something so irrationally and strongly and at the same time loathing even the idea of it. I suppose a parrallel could be drawn with the relationship with Lisa and the whole thing was making me melancholy and bitchy, and a little bit lost in my own world
Instead of accomplishing anything all day though, I spent it smoking massive amounts of weed all day - and that - although pleasureable - prevented me from actually getting anything worthwhile done. And I'm smoking all day for what reason? well, first there's boredom - I bore easily at the best of times and being stuck in this One Starbucks Town with no friends and no money and no sex is really pretty desolate and empty, another reason is that it was there. And whether it's weed, or crack, or prescription pain pills if it's there, I'm going to use it. But the number one reason has to be my inexplicable and overpowering jonesing for crack for going on 4 or 5 days now/. last night was especially bad. I had the taste of it in my mouth all night long and no amount of teethbrushing, smoking or eating could get rid of it. It's a horrible wretched feelimng - wanting something so irrationally and strongly and at the same time loathing even the idea of it. I suppose a parrallel could be drawn with the relationship with Lisa and the whole thing was making me melancholy and bitchy, and a little bit lost in my own world
I was detrmined, yesterday to update the blog - even with just a small post - so I could feel I'd managed to accomplish something, but by the time 11:30 finally crept up on me and I still hadn't gotten anything done I was too stoned to do anything about it and instead watched Fringe and then finally drifted off to sleep at abpout 6 in the morning
I also wrote last night "Tomorrow I need to get it in gear tomorrow I can do this tomorrow I'm going to shine out."
Soi much for that little plan - but I guess there's stil a few hours left to turn everything around
I've been thinking about Lisa and all those dreams that have died, and hopes that will never be realized, just a little bit less every day now, and that is probably a really good thing, although at the same time it makes me sad.
I had really believed we were different, that we were special - I really believed in us.
Yesterday for a while - the briefest of whiles - I really thought I could see some light at the end of the tunnel. That one day things could be good again, but that feeling is gone today and I'm struggling to get it back.
So now I must become like a tiger stalking its prey. Now silent in the grass, unmoving - now swift and savage and beautiful as death.
I don't know what that means, but it's as good a way to wrap this up as any
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