Wednesday May 12th of 2010 will go down as a trial. not a trial in a court of law - oh no, we missed that party, but a trial and a test of my will.
Today I was supposed to appear in court, at two o clock.
Not for anything big, but simply to show up, make an appearance, and get disclosure from the Crown. This all stems from the events that also wound me up having to leave the Roach Motel as you may remember from here.
Not for anything big, but simply to show up, make an appearance, and get disclosure from the Crown. This all stems from the events that also wound me up having to leave the Roach Motel as you may remember from here.
There was a misunderstanding though today in regards to the the schedule and we wound up not even leaving until a quarter after two. Fifteen minutes after I was supposed to be there.
My stomach sank. It felt as though it were acually "sinking" I'd never realized how literal the expression could really be , I was panicing and furious at the same time and so I sat and turned on my laptop, and pounded out vitriolic smokeshow rant that condemned everyone and everytyhing without mercy.
It was entitled This is Such Fucking Bullshit
here's an excerpt (typing left as is,)
This is such fucking bullshit!i got to the bus station all ready to make the trip to Toronto for my court appearanceonly to find that we'd missed the bus and now at the best I'll be 1 and a half hours late.So, hopefully they'll still be in session when I gewt there, because othedrwise, I'll have awarrent for my arrest and have to go wait in jail for a month or so.This whole day turns into a shitstorm of massive proportions - just under an hour to waitnow for thwe bus, and I'm supppsed yto be in court in 40 minutes. Fuck!I've got that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when things are spinninghopelessly out of control, and there is absolutely noithing that can be done about it -Liike a slow motion train wreck
I hope and pray that this works out and I'm there in time to salvage this. I just can't goto jail again - not even for a day. I can't do itI'm so pissed off right now - pissedoff that I missed the bus,poissed off thaty I'm in this bullshit city, pissed off about everything and very,very pissed off at Lisa for ruining my life and being the root cazuse of all this bullshit
I knew even then that I wouldn't make it, but I had to go and deal with clearing it up - plus there wa sat least a chance that I could still make it in time to catch the session.
But of course my gut was right as it oftebn is, and I had missed it. So I got a "request to recind" form from the Duty council office ( for my American friends, this is like the public defender, in your court, and the Crown is the equivalent to your District Attorney)
I then had to spend the next hour racing from office to office and then finally getting the Crown attorney to sign off on it then returning it to the court clerk and after all of this I still have to be back tomorrow morning at 10.
As you can see I was pissed off. But I also wasn't in a very positive state, so you can imagine that by the time I actually got to Court at Old City Hall I was practically spewing steam from my nostrils.
On top of all this stressors and my generally agitated state, I was inundated with a flood of sense memories from my past.
The streeets of Toronto are crowded with ghosts.
Walking along, no matter how involved I am in whatever else I have going on and then Bang! I round a corner and suddenly I'm somewhere else - back in time and back in space and back most of all in spirit, and there is the liquor store, the one with the punks sitting begging in front - but that hardly narrows it down - the one where I was arrested that time. I had money, but I was drunk and I pocketed a mickey of Jack Daniels while buying wine.
Security saw the whole thing
It was where Lisa and I once got given change from a 50 for our 10.
and then later once the booze toolk hold, she insisted that it was her money - because she'd somehow distracted the clerk, her beauty making his mind slip up and lose count of the money
Hogwash.
But we bought wine with it anyway
And it was thnat liquor store we would go to in the morning to buy our cheap twist top wine while I was at Womens res. Especially if it was early because it opened an hour earlier than the beloved Wine Rack
Always a twist top, because we lacked a corkscrew and surely didn't want to wind up in the unenviable position of having wine and being unable to drink it.
(Analogous to but in no way as severe in severity as having crack, and a pipe without a light I've seen people light fires on their stove tops in search of a flame for that one last toke.
I make it past the EllCee, and past more ghosts at the tea shop above which used to be a asian crack dealer who woiuld sell 10 doller stones each wrapped in a little individual ten dollar tinfoil envelopes - it was there that Lisa spent the night sucking cock and smokikng crack and left me waiting the day of what we always called the Waverly Incident.
Once after the long after the Waverly Incident there was a time I went there one night to this guy with the tinfoil - and the stairs were covered in fresh blood, someone had been stabbed a mere hour or so before we arrived. Freaky.
I heard he got busted shortly thereafter.
And there's the park behind the (still) new Art Gallery. In cold weather they open the community center for homeless people to sleep not an full time shelter, but part of an initiativce called Out of the Coldthey have a space for men and for women and for couples - which was so great for us - and I rememer Lisa's excitement when they asked our name, and Lisa said shmoo, so our bag of bedding and on any forms we were filled in as the shmoos. this delighted her to no end.
Ghosts crowd every corner and every laneway and every park we pass. At times I am afraid they will suffocate me, the ghosts.
But also someplaces are so full of them - the court being an example , and Chinatown and Kensington being two more, the streets and laneways and parks where ghosts choke my light off and I feel I can't breathe
When I got the news at the bus station nthat I was going to be late I sunk into a pit that by the time we got to the court I was frothing and mad with grief and anger and sorrow. I had turned near feral - it wasn't until much later on - even now calm down and see this as it really is and that is as an inconvenience and a pain in the ass perhaps, sure. But not the calamatious event -the horrible final dagger that I was imagining it to be earlier on.
It's a scary thing this anger that can rise up like that but the beautiful thing is there are a few poisitive lessons I can take from this - for example I knew going in that it was going to be a strugl too not drink anything while there and then missing the bus upped the odds a bit and then on finding out Id have to be back in the morning I almost caved in.
I went round the bend and as we walked towards Yehuahs I still can't believe I didn't buy any booze.
It was all I could do not to.
And now I must go to sleep and try not to dream of ghosts.
First of all, I love the new layout!
Secondly, I'm so glad that you're not in jail right now. Today could have gone a lot worse, so at least you have your freedom!
Thirdly, I know that you've been under a lot of stress lately, and I'm super proud of you for keeping sober and clean. I know that once this stupid Lisa court bullshit is over, you're going to flourish and things will be okay for you. Just keep on keeping on<3